“What the hell is this? An Appalachian Suicide Jamboree?”

Last night, I went out with some pals, Hope and Bonni, and caught a show. She & Him AKA actress Zooey Deschanel and musician M. Ward.

Zooey was shockingly good. And we’ll get to that. But we must start from the beginning, with the opening act.

Being an artist of sorts myself, it pains me a little to give a brutal review of any form of art. But then again, it pains me when people become afraid to say what’s what. And what’s what, in this case, is more like, “What the hell *is* this? An Appalachian Suicide Jamboree?”

Perhaps it was the indie folk-pop Depression-era dresses. Perhaps it was just one banjo too many. Perhaps it was the excessive use of droning, drawn-out harmonies. Perhaps it was just me. There was nothing wrong with the music, really. It wasn’t like they were bad musicians and/or singers. I mean, you put a banjo in *my* hands and it’s not like I can make anything happen. (Other than a disturbance in the universe.) And we’ve already covered in previous posts what happens when I sing. (Badness.)

So while waiting for the opening act to please go away, B and I headed to the ladies restroom. I realize this is a gross overshare when I tell you that I didn’t actually have to use the restroom, but the information is germane to this part of the story, which…takes place in the restroom. You see, before the show ever began, we went into the restroom to wash the subway off our hands, and lo and behold, in the sink area, I found:

a) A woman whose sole job it was to hand out paper towels.

b) A tip basket

c) A HUGE buffet of candy (and some toiletries which I had no interest in)

I have seen this sort of thing before in a club, but on a much smaller scale. I mean, I’ve seen, like, a basket of lollipops and mints, or something. This was more more like a full-scale Lavatorical Dessert Smorgasbord.

My first reaction was, “This is completely disgusting. There are germs EVERYWHERE.”

My second reaction was, “Candy! Yay!”

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to behave. I didn’t have any one dollar bills, and the paper towel woman was fluttering paper towels in my face. So, like an idiot, I gave nothing and I took nothing.

And immediately felt bereft. So during the endurance marathon of the Appalachian Suicide Jamboree (at this point, I can’t even remember the real name of the band) after I’d received change from my drinks purchases, my mind returned to more pleasant times, like when we were in the restroom and there was all that candy.

This is when B and I decided to make our move.

So we push our way into the restroom and go immediately to the sink area. There was no pretense, no attempt at subterfuge. B and I had discussed the possibility of me creating a distraction as she emptied the baskets into her purse, but in the end I just pulled two dollars out of my bag in such a way that the paper towel lady couldn’t miss the fact that she was getting appropriate compensation for what we were about to do, and I started taking candy.

I was only two fun-size M&Ms, one cube of caramel, a Smartie, and a mint into my work, when Paper Towel Lady suddenly becomes unhinged. B and I look at each other and as our nemesis is screaming “You didn’t finish!” we get the hell out of there and go back upstairs.

Didn’t finish what, for god’s sake? Did I break the rules of Lavatorical Dessert Smorgasbording? Did I do things out of order? Did she think I’d used the restroom and hadn’t washed my hands? Do the rules require that you actually use the restroom before you can have candy? Do two fun-size packs, a miniscule caramel, a Smartie and a mint cost more than two dollars in her version of reality?

We put much thought into that analysis over another round of drinks, but the only conclusion I could come to was that if I actually had to go to the restroom at some point before the show ended, the lady probably wouldn’t let me.* I was in the middle of penning a letter of apology on a cocktail napkin (“Paper Towel Lady, if I hath offended thee, forgiveth me…”) when the second act came on. The Rosebuds were quite good. Good enough to be mentioned as being quite good. The trouble is that being hideously awful or mind-blowingly excellent is what gets you lines. Good is boring. Quite good is better, but we’re still moving on.

So finally, it’s time for She & Him. The band comes on stage all together-like, without any fuss. We’ve got M. Ward (he’s the Him) picking up first guitar, The Nutty Professor plugging in to second guitar, the bass guitar chick giving-off a sort of low-key yet kick-ass vibe as she’s slipping the strap over her head, the back-up singer taking up post in a tight green satin strapless mermaid-esque gown that looked really out of place and the drummer sitting down in a white dress shirt/buttoned suit vest/black tie which just looked really hot for some reason.

But something’s different when Zooey moves to the microphone center stage wearing a glittery blue halter dress that hangs a little too limply. The huge flower in her blackish, banged hair matches her white, block-heeled pumps. If she’d tried any harder, she’d've looked too styled. If she’d tried any less, she’d've looked like a mistake.

I love that moment when charisma becomes a tangible thing. It’s like a volt of electricity goes through the place when Zooey steps out and starts to sing. I’d heard some of her songs online before the show, but they don’t compare to hearing her live. I very rarely think that live is better than album, because the studio can make an okay voice sound great, but “Live” reveals the truth, and usually this truth leads to disappointment, sorrow, madness and the like. In this case, Zooey’s voice is SO amazing and her performance was SO amazing, the album recordings didn’t even come close. I mean, not even sort of close. Somehow, the recordings don’t capture the electricity or the reaches of her talent at all. That being said, I promised you music and I hereby deliver:

Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?

Sweet Darlin’

This Is Not A Test

I Thought I Saw Your Face Today

All in all, a most excellent NYC Saturday night. I woke up really late today, craving M&Ms and Smarties.

Liz

*Hope made the second candy run of the evening so that Bonni and I wouldn’t have to worry about being beaten over the head with one of those industrial-sized packages of paper towels.